The invisible force that shapes our lives
“It could’ve been so much worse.”
“At least I didn’t experience what he experienced.”
“I’m doing fine compared to other people.”
How often have you heard statements like these? Maybe you’ve even said similar things yourself.
According to Dr. Gabor Maté, trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. “It shapes the way we live, the way we love, and the way we make sense of the world,” says Gabor. “It is the root of our deepest wounds.”
And yet, we tend to minimize our trauma.
Each and every one of us have experienced trauma at some point in our lives. As a society, we tend to think of trauma as exposure to catastrophic events like war, abuse, and natural disasters. While these are certainly examples of traumatic experiences, a person does not have to undergo an extremely distressing life event in order for it to affect them. Psychologists today have begun to distinguish these less pronounced, yet still significant, experiences as lowercase ‘t’ trauma.
Say, for example, that you were interested in art as a child. You grew up in a single-parent home and your mother, while well-intentioned, was stressed and overworked trying to make ends meet. One day, you worked really hard on a drawing and couldn’t wait to show it to her. But your mother was late to work, so she quickly glanced at your drawing, told you it was nice and rushed out the door. This hurt you deeply and you stopped caring about art.
Traumatic experiences like these go on to shape the way we behave as adults. But, the tricky part is, often we don’t realize how these experiences impact our behaviors. Sometimes, we might not even remember the events at all.
So, again using this above example, you might go on to:
Develop a belief that expressing yourself doesn’t matter or that no one cares about what you think and feel. This may impact your future relationships with others, causing you to become emotionally guarded and disconnected. You might wonder why you have a hard time making friends or find yourself in turbulent relationships.
Decide to pursue subjects that you find interesting but don’t connect to in the same way as art. You might find yourself in a career that you don’t feel passionate about, which makes you feel drained. This might cause you to become unhealthy because you don’t have the energy to cook meals for yourself or exercise. Or, you might drink alcohol and go out with friends to “take the edge off” because you unconsciously feel unfulfilled.
These are just a few examples of how one event that could easily be perceived as insignificant can go on to manifest into self-beliefs, which then become limiting behaviors.
So, how can we better understand our trauma and how it affects us? How can we unlearn harmful patterns?
It all starts with awareness. And, becoming conscious requires slowing down and listening.
The following tools have helped me to become aware of my limiting beliefs and patterns.
Mindful movement
Our minds want to protect us from feeling discomfort, so we can often manipulate ourselves without even realizing it. For example, we might tell ourselves we need to eat sugary foods because we are looking for temporary relief from feeling something “bad”. We might feel better for a little bit and, once the dopamine hit wears off, realize that we feel physically sick from overeating. Then, the cycle continues.
Our bodies, however, cannot lie to us. This is why yoga can bring up so many feelings. When we’re holding Utkatasana for an extended period of time and feel angry, that’s because anger lives within us and we’re not always conscious of that anger. If we’re afraid to try a pose we’ve never attempted before, that self-doubt is limiting us in other areas of our lives.
Meditation and journaling
Often, we already know exactly what we need but our internal dialogue manipulates us into believing otherwise. Taking the time to sit and reflect can help us eliminate the ripples of the mind and see reality more clearly. I’ve found that exploring triggers is a great place to start. When people upset us, it is because they have hit a nerve in some way — and it usually has more to do with us than them. Ask yourself why you’re triggered and the real answer might surprise you.
A personal example of this is that when I first met my now dear friend Stephany in our yoga teacher training, I was insanely jealous of her because she asked a ton of questions. After some deep reflection, I realized I felt this way because I was too afraid to speak up and this limited me from expressing myself. This realization brought us together as friends and also helped me to overcome a fear of voicing my needs.
Therapy and self-learning
I am a huge advocate of therapy and believe that everyone can benefit from having someone to talk to about their experiences.
However, I know therapy is not accessible to everyone, so I recommend the following books if you’re looking for resources to learn more about the way the mind works:
Feeling our deepest trauma can be difficult and painful to experience. However, the more we feel, the lighter we become. We cannot feel joy without understanding pain. Once we begin to unravel the thread, it becomes easier and easier to let go.
As always, if you have any questions I am here.
Love + light,
Lex
