All that I’ve gained from letting go

Three months ago, I stopped drinking alcohol. As someone who was often the last person to leave the party, I think that I surprised even myself when I decided to make this change.

I have been drinking alcohol since I was in high school. It was one of those things that I never really thought much about. Every adult I knew drank. Most of my friends drank. It didn’t cross my mind that consuming alcohol was a choice; it was just something I knew I’d do once I was old enough to do it.

Aside from the occasional complaint about a bad hangover or a dry January stint, I never really stopped to question my relationship with alcohol and whether or not it was serving me. I thought that sobriety was only for people with drinking “problems” and that, because I could stop drinking whenever I wanted, I wasn’t one of those people.

Many people have asked me why I stopped drinking. At first, the answer to that question was that I wanted to explore my relationship with alcohol and understand it better. At the time, I firmly believed on some level that I’d eventually find my way back to drinking, but in a more balanced way. I drank seltzers and tea at social gatherings and tried my hardest to ignore the cravings for espresso martinis.

Over the past few weeks, I have had two drinks — one cocktail after dinner with a friend, and half of a beer at a work happy hour. On both occasions, I felt physically sick the next day. At my work event, I also noticed that I felt mentally cloudy, anxious, and uncomfortable.

Stepping away from and coming back to alcohol has made me realize that it is definitely not for me. I’m genuinely happy to know that.

Now that I’ve had time to dig deeper, I’ve realized that I often relied on alcohol to have fun or as a reward after a tough week. Alcohol made me feel more confident in social situations and allowed me to be less rigid and more vulnerable. The ironic thing about this, though, is that the next day I’d often feel incredibly anxious and self-conscious. Alcohol was only a bandaid and, because of the temporary respite it gave me, I wasn’t ever addressing the root of the problem.

Without alcohol, I’ve forced myself to explore what makes me genuinely joyful. I’ve learned ways to have fun and experience life without relying on an altered mental state. And not instantly numbing away a bad day or a bad week allows me to sit in my feelings, process them, and move past them. Without processing our feelings, we’ll never heal.

The more I learn about myself by removing coping mechanisms like alcohol, the more I realize that many of the other things we do in life are simply a means of escaping.

Growing up, like many women, I was conditioned to believe that my worth and my physical appearance were inextricably linked. To challenge myself, I have recently stopped wearing makeup to work, which is something I never thought I would do. In the past, if I didn’t like the way I looked it had the potential to affect my mental state for the entire day.

While it might seem silly, revealing myself to the world without makeup has made me incredibly uncomfortable. But, the more I do it, the easier it becomes. The more vulnerable I am, the more I realize that nothing catastrophic will happen by showing who I am to others. The people that stay are those who see me as I am, beyond the surface, and accept that authentic version of myself. Those who leave were not meant to be in my life (and that’s okay!)

This isn’t to say that if you drink alcohol or wear makeup it’s “bad.” However, it is important to understand why we do the things we do and to understand that everything in life is a conscious choice.

Sometimes, a little discomfort is exactly what we need so that we can grow.

I know that this is a heavy topic. If you have questions, I am here for you.

With love,

Lex