Especially when it’s hard

I had to renew my passport yesterday. 

On the surface, renewing a passport is a mundane task. Get a photo taken. Go to the post office. Mail a form.

But when I saw my new passport photo, the emotions bubbled to the surface.

I got my first passport when I was 20 years old and preparing to study abroad in Australia. At the time, I was lost in life. I couldn’t love myself because I didn’t even know who I was. And I was conditioned to believe that who I was wasn’t enough. 

I’ve always hated my passport photo. 

As I paid for my new photo yesterday, the thoughts rushed around in my head. I thought about how round my face looked. I criticized each and every line on my face. The shape of my nose.

As I drove to the post office, I thought about these feelings. I wondered why, after years of working hard to unlearn harmful thought patterns, I still (still!) couldn’t look at myself without passing judgment. Had I actually grown?

When I arrived at the post office, I needed to attach my new photo to the form with a stapler. I politely asked the woman at the desk if she had one that I could borrow. 

She looked up at me and sighed deeply. Then, rolled her eyes and handed me the stapler.

“Thank you,” I said. She didn’t look at me.

Initially, I thought about how rude this woman was. In the past, I might’ve made a face or a comment under my breath. Instead, I felt compassion.

Here we were. Two people trying to make it through the day. Me, struggling to look at a photo of my own face. Her, fighting something I will never be able to understand. Even if she were to share it with me.

As I mailed my passport documents, I poured every ounce of love and kindness in my being into my interaction with this woman. I’m not sure if it made a difference in her day, but it made a difference in mine.

Maybe one day, I’ll be able to speak to myself the same way I spoke to this woman. To truly love and accept myself. To believe that I am enough and worthy. Maybe I won’t.

What matters is that I keep trying. Keep watching. Continue listening to myself. 

Growth doesn’t mean that we do it perfectly every time, because perfection does not exist. People are complicated and so is life. We must be patient and know that, as long as we are consciously making an effort to connect with ourselves, we are creating change. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when it’s hard.

Especially when it’s hard.

Love + light,

Lex